My Sucicide

This is a good spot, I thought to myself

As I stopped under a big tree with thick moss

I had been walking in the forest,

Not caring about the time.

Just thinking

I then sat under the tree and put my back against the damp moss

I then brought out my pen and paper

And began to write

Write, write, and write

I don’t know how long I wrote for

But that didn’t matter

I then finished and looked over my work

My last words on earth

I then put the note in my pocket, some where that I knew it would be ruined.

I then sat there is silence

My mind whirled

My hands began to shake

Memories flowed like water into my head

Emotions pierced my heart and soul.

Tears started to roll down my face.

I wiped them away with my black hands.

Then I slowly brought out the knife.

Its blade was icy cold against my fingers.

I saw an image in the blade

A person who had been suffering

Someone who felt they had died inside

And yet, no one knew

Except me….

I put the blade against my throat

Ready to slice it.

Ready to let the blood flow from me and drain the life out of me.

But I couldn’t do it

I have the courage take someone else’s life,

But not the courage to take my own.

Then a question came to my mind,

“What will people say when they find out?

Will they think that I was weak?

That I didn’t have the strength to pull through this hard time?

Will they think I’m a coward?

That I couldn’t take on the challenge of life?

Or will they think nothing at all?

What will my family think?

My parents?

Will they think that they didn’t try hard enough?

That its there fault their child couldn’t stand life anymore?

Will they think that they didn’t love me enough?

What would God think?

Would he think that I couldn’t trust him?

That his love wasn’t enough for me?

That he created a person who could have succeeded,

Who could have survived and be a great warrior?

That his son’s death on the cross was for nothing….

That his work was all for nothing….”

I then took the knife, hid it in my pocket

And walked away

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~ by Katie on February 28, 2010.

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